Bryant's Opinion

Chapter 17. P-Day Looms
08/12/06

[Author's Note: As we all know, crisis management never has been the forte of our beloved Bu$ch-Cheezey junta. And why should it be -- given how easy it's been under several years of B-C rule for them to use just their monetary influence to get their way in the international marketplace of human exploitation and dehumanization? Case in point: the recent withdrawal of Pentagon support to the proposed construction and operation of a military theme park upon the former Army engineers proving ground at Fort Belvoir, Va. Can't you just see it now: a multi-acre enterprise erected by Reptilian Resorts, LLC, out of Las Vegas? Among other high-profile tourist attractions, it would feature a tri-level casino housed within a 10-story structure called Hotel Borebarella -- named after, you guessed it: the First Mother (Borebarella Bu$ch). The entrance to this five-sided (a mini-Pentagon?) Palace of Playfulness would display a bust of the First Mother in all her femininity, to include that familiar string of imported pearls half-buried in the aging folds of her neck. The nearly immovable stand supporting the B-bust would consist of recycled depleted uranium from Afghaninam and Iraqnam (a material chosen, presumably, to discourage vandals/thieves from harming the fixture). A tunnel would run several hundred feet from the hotel's basement to the proposed Army memorial museum, where there'd be something for everyone -- from a mock-up of Abu Ghraib prison to such paraphernalia as Dubya Bu$ch's flight jacket worn the day he declared, "Mission accomplished!" A faith-based convention center, to be contract-operated by Rev. Pat Richmanson's broadcasting empire, would round out the resort's appeal to Bu$ch-Cheezey's support base. (Curiously absent, however, from the museum's artifacts collection and library would be any mention of retired Army general Colon Bowel.) We join the fearsome fivesome there in the main briefing room of the West Wing, where Bu$ch is reviewing the pros and cons for moving ahead with constructing the resort despite objections raised by the Pentagon and by neighboring citizens of Fairfax County.]

SCHMOE: Can you run that third Vu-graph by us again, Dubya -- the one showing your mother in a Humvee overlooking the deer habitat that'll be first to go after the ground-breaking ceremony?

BU$CH: Well, Tony, I think I'm gonna delete that one from the bunch. No need to encourage those enviroNazis to attack us.

SCHMOE: That's what I was thinking, too.

SLICE: Will the new museum have, uh, a gift shop? And will the hotel have a travel agency set up as a concession? How about, uh . . ..

TROVE [interrupting]: Now, Kondy, you should assume that all of that, and more, will be waiting for us on opening day. It's a question of what's going to occur first, though: the 'residential impeachment or the park's compleachment (if I may coin a phrase here -- heh, heh). If the former, then I wonder if the First Mother still will be interested in lending her presence to the resort. If the latter, then, we'll just press on with our proven record of Orwellian damage control.

BU$CH: Well, you know how Mamma can fight when her famous son is being ganged-up on. Anyway, besides helping boost our sagging economy, this resort project can deflect some of the public's criticism of our other activities. You know -- "wag" the roller-coaster . . . chuckle-chuckle.

CHEEZEY: Look, Dubya: I want you and Borebarella to present this briefing to Ronnie Dumsfeld and his military advisors next week. Can you work that in while I get on the phone to placate the Reptilian folks?

BU$CH: Yep, can indeed. By the way, while I'm over there at the Pantygon, I plan to stop by the health clinic there on the concourse and get a shot of that first batch of the new avian flu vaccine.

TROVE: Yeah. Sign up the rest of us for shots while you're there, will ya?

[As Bu$ch nods okay, Schmoe returns to the subject of the impending citizens petition for impaneling a 'residential grand-jury probe in Muskogee, Okla. ( http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm )]

SCHMOE: This morning, I got a faxed update from one of Gen. Walbomb's sources there on the ground in Muskogee. Seems there's been some e-mail traffic between Jerry Pippin and this guy Lawrence of Alexandria focusing on what Bryant calls P-Day -- the day when they'll actually start gathering signatures on the formal petition.

CHEEZEY: So, what's the date?

SCHMOE: Somewhere around Labor Day. Pippin's come up with a sloganeer tie-in, along the lines of "returning America's government to the people who created it, lest it be permanently snatched from them by that little band of corrupt elitists in the White(wash) House" (meaning us, of course).

TROVE: Why, that treasonous, slimy, rotten nobody from nowhere! It's time I hire someone to do the job that shoulda been done months ago.

SCHMOE: Careful, there, Karl. We still have yet to learn who's been feeding Pippin and/or Bryant the gist of our conversations here. If either of 'em gets wind of any direct threat we make against his life, then we just might receive a one-way ticket to a "resort" of our non-choosing -- Gitmo.

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

http://www.petitiononline.com/arrest/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 16. Dubya's Dilemma
08/11/06

[Author's Note: Kongress has embarked on its much-(un)deserved summer recess. Not to be outdone in skipping out on the public's business, our gallant-but-almost-burned-out, penthouse-loving pentacracy -- Schmoe/Trove/Cheezey/Slice/Bu$ch -- has decided to go airborne for a weekend vacation to -- where else? -- foreign shores. They're safely aboard Air Farce One, headed for Monaco (ostensibly for a mini-economic summit with selected korporate moguls bent on figuring out how best to orchestrate further outsourcing of Amerika's middle-class labor pool) -- where they have reservations at Monte Carlo's brand-new casino, the Royal Oasis. As AF-1 blasts off from Andrews AFB's 'residential runway and zooms, penislike, into a towering mass of vulvoid cumulus clouds, Herr Testosterodious himself (aka Dubya Bu$ch) is fielding a phone call from NSA chief Gen. Al Walbomb. Let's listen in.]

BU$CH [sipping a boozeless Bloody Mary and popping some presoftened pretzels]: Yes, Al [crunch, crunch]: keep us posted on what you learn from analyzing that bug we found in the hot tub. Oh, I forgot to mention that we ought to have Air Farce One screened for bugs, too. Can't be too careful these days -- especially with all these press leaks occurring right and left.

SCHMOE: Ask him what he wants us to bring back from Monaco, Dubya. I hear they have some cashmere bathrobes that would make him look absolutely regal at those swinger parties in Las Vegas.

BU$CH: Okay. Say, Al: Tony here wants to make sure we don't forget you during our shopping tour. Anything special that you need right now? Oh, I see . . . a new jogging outfit. No prob, Al pal, you'll get that -- and maybe a new bathrobe to match. See ya Monday at the "O" club. [Click.]

SLICE [kicking off her shoes and resting her feet upon Bu$ch's lap]: Well, I sure hope I, uh, can find a pair of shoes that won't bind my toes so much! These bunions are gonna put me in surgery yet.

TROVE: I hope we'll be getting some mid-air refueling service along the way, guys. I just hate those stop-overs on the ground. The more time we spend getting there, the less time we'll have for the tables and slots. This time, by the way, I'm bringing my lucky magnet. That fellow in Las Vegas who sold it to me says all I have to do is rub the thing alongside a given slot machine and it'll work its magic -- especially on those bar-match models.

CHEEZEY: Yeah. I'm gonna watch you work with that thing. If it does help you stay ahead of the game, then tell me the guy's name so that I can order one. Maybe he'll trade me one of 'em for one of my signature-keepsake Swiss Army knives that I pass out to key visitors.

[Now cruising out over the Atlantic at about 30,000 feet, the planeload of pampered pentacrats get ready for their lunchtime meal. Just as Dick Cheezey begins to nod off, something catches his eye off the starboard wing.]

CHEEZEY: Come here, quick, Karl! What's that out there, just above that cloud bank?

TROVE [choosing to peer out a vacant porthole]: My god, Dick! That's a flying saucer! And look how big it is! I think it's headed this way. Let's notify the captain.

[On hearing the commotion, the others rush to the right-side portholes. A sudden silence descends upon the passenger compartment as the saucer closes to within a few hundred feet of AF-1. Then, as if it realizes it's being videotaped or otherwise recorded for posterity, the alien craft ascends so fast that even a radar lock-on couldn't track it.]

SCHMOE [whitened, trembling, and mumbling in perplexity]: You know, this mirrors an incident I've read about in a CIA monograph summarizing the Agency's role in UFO research during 1947--90. Some historian from the National Reconnaissance Office had examined various CIA and military documentation on the subject of UFO reality. One particular Air Force report comes to mind now, and I . . ..

CHEEZEY [wiping his brow and interrupting Schmoe]: Calm down, now, Tony. Just tell us about it, slowly.

SCHMOE: Well, the interview report, then classified TOP SECRET, recounts how the late U. S. senator Richard B. Russell, back in October 1955, along with his entourage during a train trip through Soviet territory, had witnessed a discoid craft pacing the train for a few minutes. Russell's military advisor had commented something to the effect that "we've been led to believe that nothing like this exists." That report languished in AF files for at least 20 years before it got freed up via some UFOlogist's FOIA request.

BU$CH: Well, that's not gonna happen with this case.

SLICE: What do you mean, Dubya?

BU$CH: I mean, Kondy, that I refuse to become involved in this. Not one bit. When I was in the Texas Air Guard, my co-pilot and I saw one of these things. When I told our flight chief about it, he ordered me to forget the whole matter. But I kept insisting that the public has a right to know such information. Then he said that, if I were to go public with the case, he'd see to it that I'd be grounded for life. He had me in a real bind -- 'cause he knew about my drinking problem.

TROVE: So, that's when -- and why -- you turned your back on further Guard service?

BU$CH: Exactly. And you're not gonna spoil my future by draggin' me into any public revelation of what happened here today -- understand? Now, Dick, get up there to the crew compartment and tell 'em that nothing unusual has occurred on this trip.

[Taken aback by the 'resident's assertiveness in this instance, Cheezey heads up to the crew section with his orders.]

SCHMOE [more to himself than to the others]: God help us if our yet-to-be-outed mole chooses to leak this incident to Jerry Pippin down there in Muskogee. He's already got a subpage devoted to UFO news, and this case would eclipse nearly all the public's interest in his site's impeachment subpage. Huhhmmmm....

http://www.jerrypippin.com

http://www.petitiononline.com/ciafoia/petition.html

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 15. A Day with Dubya in the Tub
08/09/06

[Author's Note: Well, it's come to this, folks: here we find our five executive luminaries frolicking not in the West Wing, whence they've just adjourned for lunch, but in the gymnasium of the White(wash) House. Specifically, they're settling down into a much-needed session in the 'residential hot tub -- eagerly seeking relief from the stress of a particularly vexing morning of meetings, briefings, and strategizing. But, as we'll soon learn, they have at least one item of unfinished business that refuses to evaporate amidst the warm vapors of the hot tub. Brace yourselves, dear readers, for a surprise development -- both for us and, more importantly, for the Bu$ch-Cheezey junta.]

SCHMOE [tamping down his new toupee]: Ahhhhh . . . I love these red-white-and-blue bubbles!

TROVE: Yeah, so do I, Tony. I understand that the tub's manufacturer has patented the coloring process for these bubbles. Hand me some more potato chips, please.

CHEEZEY [feeling his pulse rate to make sure it's stabilized at around 75 b.p.m]: I'll have some chips, too. Here, Karl, hold my prune juice a second [proceeding to emit a huge, tan-colored bubble of his own as he turns too fast in his seat].

SLICE: Wow! This Italian hoagie sure hits the spot. I, uh, think I'll pass on the quiche, though. And you, Dubya; you'd better ease off on that brie -- you know you've gained four pounds since last week.

BU$CH: You're right, of course, Kondy. After this, let's you and me spend 20 minutes on the rowing machines.

SLICE [adjusting her red-white-and-blue halter]: Sure thing. But don't forget our appointment with General Energy Corp.'s CFO at 2:00. He has an update for us about, uh, their scheduled arms shipment to the Republic of Bamboozle.

BU$CH: All right. But maybe we should postpone that meeting until we deal more emphatically with the Bethesda White Paper. [Here the 'resident refers to a TOP SECRET, W-H-Eyes-Only report delivered a few hours earlier by a courier from the Bethesda (Md.) Naval Medical Center.] Ya'll do realize, doncha, that if any part of this report gets leaked to the public, we'll be in much hotter water than this tub's capable of producing?

TROVE: Tell me again -- what's the title of that thing?

CHEEZEY: It's called the "Ad Hoc Radiology Team's Reassessment of the Deleterious Effects of Depleted-Uranium Exposure."

SCHMOE: Wait a minute, guys. Isn't the main reason for our early arrival here today our agreement to table further discussion of this topic?

BU$CH: Yeah . . . but, you know, I'm still worried about the report's findings and recommendations.

SLICE: How so, Dubya? We've known, uh, all along that the military's public stance on the benign effects of producing, storing, shipping, and using depleted-uranium weaponry and munitions was overrated. But nobody else needs to know that wee bit of official deception. We've got the news media in our pocket on this. Even if some data on this issue were to, uh, get into the hands of some overzealous, maverick reporter, we can, uh, fall back on the report's No. 1 recommended escape route.

BU$CH: Which is?

SLICE: Whenever a confirmed case of a highly D-U-contaminated Iraqnam veteran surfaces, we make sure to have, uh, his/her corpse cremated to hide the evidence.

BU$CH: Jeez! I didn't know you could just burn away the residue of radiation exposure. Let's make sure we issue a classified executive order outlining this protective procedure.

CHEEZEY: Indeed; I recommend that, while we're burning things, we ought to burn all copies of the Bethesda White Paper. If those "war crimes" prosecutors in the Hague ever get their hands on this report, then the Muskogee Maggots would need nothing else to achieve their goal of a run-away grand jury. Our impeachment would be totally anti-climactic in the face of a war-crimes conviction. I can just picture pipsqueak Pippin and loser Larry W. salivating over this prospect.

SCHMOE [now trimming his toenails]: Good thinking, Dick. Consider all copies of this report a pile of ashes by this time tomorrow. Suitable for fertilizing the Rose Garden, of course.

TROVE: Careful with those nail trimmings, Tony -- they might prematurely clog up the tub's filter mechanism.

SCHMOE: You're right. Here, let me make sure the filter's working smoothly. [Whereupon he shifts position to peer beneath his seat and to feel for the filter's opening. His hand detects a nickel-sized object mounted just above the filter, and it comes loose on contact.] Hey, what's this thing? Oh, no, Karl! There's some wiring inside it.

TROVE: That can mean only one thing -- a listening device. What do we do now?

SCHMOE [wrapping the bug in a towel]: Cancel that two o'clock meeting, Kondy. Dubya, get Gen. Walbomb on the phone ASAP; tell him to send his anti-bugging crew over here via the NSA helicopter. Now, let's quickly brainstorm a plausible explanation. How about announcing that our previous conversation had been nothing but our prearranged joking-around -- that there's never been such a thing as the Bethesda White Paper, and that our little repartee was just a test to help smoke out whatever mole might be lurking nearby?

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 14. Let Us Prey
08/03/06

[Author's Note: When historians produce their final assessment of the Bu$ch-Cheezey junta -- that ultra-embarrassing, indelible black eye upon dear old Uncle Sam -- what will capture their attention the most? With my chronicle of the junta's sins of commission and omission, I'd suggest that the historians' central focus be on how Bu$ch-Cheezey chose to cope with the Muskogee Threat -- to include all the arrogance of ignorance emanating from the White(wash) House. Now resigned to the realization that the citizens of Muskogee, Okla., soon will begin fielding a cadre of signature-gatherers for their "petition to impanel a presidential grand-jury probe ( http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ), our Majestic-Five -- Schmoe/Trove/Cheezey/Slice/Bu$ch -- nevertheless have decided to call up some of their political reserve forces. Today, it's the roundtable presence of one Rev. Pat Richmanson, invited into the W-H inner sanctum by Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice, freshly returned from her mid-East concert tour.]

SCHMOE: Welcome back, Kondy. Did you remember to bring me that solid-gold letter opener that once belonged to King Faruk?

SLICE: Not only that, Tony; but I also have, uh, another little -- surprise -- gift for you. But, first, let's thank Rev. Pat for coming here this morning [a round of applause ensues].

RICHMANSON: Aw, shucks, y'all. It's such an honor for me to be back here with ya! Can't wait to try out y'all's new hot tub. Now, then, let's have a minute of silence as we put our group energy to work on exorcising that creepy, creeping evil movement down there in Muskogee. [They all join hands and bow their heads for 60 seconds.]

SCHMOE: Okay, Kondy, how about my "surprise" gift?

SLICE [handing Schmoe a pink-bowed package the size of a cigar box]: Here ya go, Mr. Schmoe!

SCHMOE: Cigars? [He quickly tears off the box's wrapping and reaches in to find something soft and squishy.] Oh, look at this: a made-in-Israel toupee. Now, this IS a surprise!

TROVE: Let ME try it on, Tony.

SCHMOE: All right -- as soon as Pat fills us in on his contra-Muskogee strategy.

RICHMANSON: Here's the plan: for my fall lecture tour, I'll start in Oklahoma, right there in Muskogee County. They have a church on practically every street corner, so it'll be a breeze getting my message across with maximum effect.

CHEEZEY: And that would be?

RICHMANSON: Well, it's pretty simple, really -- tailored to the simple minds of my flock: "Here, right in your midst, we have a group of people doing the devil's work. Some of 'em might be misguided, but they're all inimical to what we've been trying to do for our beloved nation. They have to be stopped before they can further undermine our God-given right to show you the way of true spiritual triumph and symbiosis with the aims of our Bu$ch-Cheezey family. Why, just the other day, I heard that one of the Muskogee Petition Project's instigators -- that so-called Lawrence of Alexandria -- has drafted a 'NEW Battle Hymn FOR the Republic,' starting out with the lyrics 'Marchin' in Muskogee, Marchin' in Muskogee.' Well, we have plenty of hymns that can trump anything this Larry W. Bryant can come up with -- so let's start with the one on page 69" [whipping open his hymn book and breaking into song, whereupon the Majestic-Five join in.]

BU$CH [wiping a spot of coffee from his notepad]: Mighty fine, Rev. Press right on with your plan, and send us regular reports of your progress. You know how much we need your help. And thanks again for show-casing our work on your TV show -- "The Word."

TROVE [adjusting the new toupee on his head]: Wow! This thing must have a one-size-fits-all feature. Feels great on MY head, Tony. How much do you want for it?

SCHMOE: Gimme that, Karl. Here . . . you can have my old one [using his right hand to snatch off his original version and his left hand to retrieve the new one from Trove's head]. You're right: it does fit perfectly -- thanks again, Kondy.

SLICE: Sure, guys. My next trip will be Paris. Hafta brush up on my French, though. Uh, how's this: "Chevrolet coupe?"

TROVE: Or, how about this one: "Jon D'arc" (that's an outhouse with the light out) [guffawing].

CHEEZEY: And don't forget this one, Kondy: "Moe de lahn" (which I understand means "cut the grass").

[With this consensus of mass satisfaction, Schmoe glances down at his Rolex and takes a final sip of coffee, followed by a bite of chocolate donut.]

SCHMOE: Okay, folks. My, how time has its way with us when we're dealing with such critical matters as the Muskogee Menace! Last one in the tub has to sing Bryant's "Battle Hymn"!

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 13. "News" Management at CIA Headquarters
07/30/06

[Author's Note: Our supposedly impenetrable Keystone Kops of governmental majesty -- Schmoe/Trove/Cheezey/Slice/Bu$ch -- are missing a member this week: Sexetary of State Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice is back in the Middle East, groping her way through the darkness of unfamiliar territory (except, of course, for the occasional lunchtime trips through Tel Aviv's shopping malls). In her place we find Gen. Curly McHorny (USAF), current musical-chairs director of the U. S. Citizens Intimidation Agency (a.k.a. the CIA). So, turn down the sound of your selected archived interview from the Jerry Pippin Show (http://www.jerrypippin.com), and switch over to today's low-toned discussion in the West Wing of the White(wash) House.]

SCHMOE [inspecting his two newly recapped front teeth via their reflection off the glass casing of his equally new Rolex watch]: Tell us, General: what's the latest on those Muskrats in Muskogee?

McHORNY: Well, Tony, our two informants down at the saloon nearest the district courthouse have relayed to us some bad news and some worse news. . ..

TROVE: Go ahead; let's hear the "bad" first.

CHEEZEY: Couldn't we just postpone this dreary stuff until after our hot-tub session? Anyhow, Tony, I'm counting on you to steer clear of these developments at tomorrow's press briefing.

SCHMOE: Don't worry, Dick. We've got Rich Kannon's replacement on board now, who'll easily divert our attention if anyone dares bring up Muskogee's grand jury project.

BU$CH: Even so, all this talk about a presidential grand-jury probe's leading to impeachment is taking its toll on my golf game. Yesterday, I double-bogied all the front nine at Fort Belvoir before I could settle down. And then a big, fat seagull flew over me and puked its guts out right onto my golf bag. Maybe I should get Kondy to bring me a new bag from Macy's there in Tel Aviv?

McHORNY: Until then, you can borrow MY new bag, Dubya. This Dupuytren's contraction in my right hand has all but destroyed my game -- gotta get that operated on next month. Anyhow, here's what our informants tell us: First: the recent Muskogee County Democrap primary election has resulted in a new candidate for the local district attorney's slot -- some guy that Jerry Pippin views as probably more favorable to the grand jury probe than would be the incumbent. That's the BAD news.

SCHMOE [clipping his fingernails]: And the "worse" news?

McHORNY: This petition instigator -- Larry W. Bryant -- has just hired an attorney to file suit in federal court against the Agency because of our denial of his FOIA-requester status as a "representative of the news media." When this case starts attracting media attention, you can bet Bryant will start yappin' about the Muskogee project. He's already been posting "chapters" about us onto a subpage of Pippin's web site (http://www.bushbusiness.com). Now, we learn that this pathetic pipe-dreamer Pippin has anointed Bryant as a "special correspondent" to the Jerry Pippin Show. This move will further erode our contention that Bryant represents no LEGITIMATE news medium. What's more: Pippin is offering to formally certify to the court Bryant's new "Pippin Staff" role as definitive proof of Bryant's "news media" status. I'm afraid we're going to lose this case, gentlemen.

BU$CH: Well, by the time we lose it, most of us will be out of office anyway; so, all we have to do now is stall, stall, stall -- right, Tony?

SCHMOE: Absolutely. My staff is swinging into action even as we speak -- contacting key news media and advertising agencies to blackball anything emerging from the Pippin pulpit. Time, as always, still is on our side. These two little nobodies -- Pippin and Bryant -- might be able to shake the ground beneath our hot tub -- but not our long-term confidence. Hey, the tub's waitin' for us -- what say we take an early break and jump right in? Kondy's incoming update call will just have to wait.

[As Schmoe ushers everyone from the room, he glances around once more, as if to assure himself that all's well in the West Wing. Slowly closing the door behind him, he hears the familiar ring wailing from the Mid-East-hotline phone. It rings and rings and rings . . ..]

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

http://www.petitiononline.com/ciafoia/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

TO: Mr. Scott Koch Information and Privacy Coordinator U. S. Central Intelligence Agency Washington, DC 20505

FROM: Larry W. Bryant 3518 Martha Custis Drive Alexandria, VA 22302

DATE: July 27, 2006

Mr. Koch:

Your letter to me of July 19, 2006, neglects to acknowledge the CIA FOIA-Records Agency Release Panel's receipt of (and action upon) my June 29, 2006, notice letter (copy enclosed) challenging your rejection of my FOIA-requester status as a "representative of the news media." My letter enclosed a check in the amount of $30 (with the annotated proviso "PAID UNDER PROTEST"). As of today's date, I have yet to acquire any evidence that your agency has cashed my check. This lack of CIA action continues to hold hostage my appeal letter of June 5, 2006.

I therefore ask that you promptly track down the check's whereabouts, provisionally cash it, and thereby restore my appeal rights as demanded in my June 5 and June 29 letters. You have 10 days from the date of your receipt of this letter to comply with my request. Your non-compliance will leave me no recourse but to file suit in U. S. District Court for the District of Columbia to compel cessation of all your illegal actions in this matter.

Ironic, isn't it, Mr. Koch, that your illegality here is causing (and will continue to cause) far more expense to the taxpayer than would be the case were you to simply quit interfering with my FOIA-requester status as a "representative of the news media"? Such egregiously poor managerial judgment should draw the full attention of those Congress members currently weighing measures for improving FOIA efficiency, agency accountability, and user-friendliness toward those public-interest stakeholders known as FOIA requesters.

By snail-mail, I'm sending to you a signed printout of this e-formatted letter.

LARRY W. BRYANT Columnist for UFO Magazine

Copies furnished to:

Publisher, UFO Magazine (http://www.ufomag.com)

Chairman, Committee on Government Reform, U. S. House of Representatives

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 12. Shouldn't Bu$ch-Cheezey Be Impeached for Dereliction of Duty to Protect the Nation from Invasion by Illegal Border-Crossers?
07/25/06

[Author's Note: On the geopolitical stage, we find that there are two kinds of people in the world: (1) those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and (2) those who don't. So, to paraphrase the current resident of the White(wash) House: on the matter of securing the border between Amerika and Mexico, you're either with the illegal border-crossers or against them. Today, as Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice is off to the Middle East to engage in serious diplomatic gamesmanship, we focus on a strategy meeting among the four remaining members of this high-profile quintet. Their topic du jour? -- a classified white paper titled "Illegal Immigration and the Prospects for Emergence of a Hispanbollah Threat to U. S. Security."]

SCHMOE [yawning]: Well, guys, I sure hope Kondy brings me back one of those fake Rolex watches I saw advertised on the Internet last week.

TROVE: Yeah, same here. Plus, my camel-hide flight jacket is wearing a little thin on the elbows; so she told me she'd try to find me a new one, at wholesale cost.

CHEEZEY: Say, Karl, does Israel have its own version of leather-bound Old Testaments? I'd like to present a couple of copies to the CEO's of Jellyburton and Fizer-Pharm, Inc.

BU$CH: You know, I'd like to have a few copies myself -- for passing out at next month's prayer breakfast over at the Treasury Department. Here, let me dial up Kondy right now [reaching for his mid-East-hotline phone]. Hello, Kondy: Dubya here. We certainly miss you. How're things going? But, before you fill us in on that, can you bring back a half-dozen copies of some Israel-made, leather-bound Old Testaments?

SLICE: Sure, I'll look into it for all of ya. But first, I have, uh, an appointment with a group of silver-mine investors, so I'll have to call you back in a couple of hours, okay?

BU$CH: All right. We're getting ready for a gym break, so we'll stand by for your call at about 2:00 o'clock our time. See ya. [click]

SCHMOE: Now, getting back to the white paper: what kind of distribution should we make for it?

TROVE: Well, for starters, each cabinet member should get a copy. And maybe a few heads of state overseas who favor our work on solidifying the North Amerikan Union. Now that the report has dispelled any notion of a current or future threat from the so-called Hispanbollah syndrome [i.e., the alleged existence of hostile illegals bent on subverting U. S. security, culture, and resources], we might also "leak" a few copies to our key friends in the press.

CHEEZEY: That reminds me, Karl: yesterday, my office received a FOIA request from -- guess who? -- Larry W. Bryant. Apparently, someone already has leaked the existence of the white paper to him and/or Jerry Pippin. Bryant's request seeks not just a copy of the report itself but also the various documentation on which we base the report's findings, conclusions, and recommendations.

TROVE: No prob there, Dick. We'll just invoke the executive-privilege stonewall that worked so well in fending off public access to the records about your Energy Task Force meeting.

SCHMOE: All right, Dick. Now, since you've mentioned Bryant and Pippin, what's the latest on that stupid petition campaign of theirs?

TROVE: According to our primary source, they're trying to mobilize a volunteer force of signature-gatherers down there in Muskogee. And we're looking into how best to undermine that effort, of course. I expect an update on this by the end of the week.

SCHMOE: Fine. Say, look what time it is! Let's go try out that new weight-lifting center at the gym. Hoo-ah!

[And so, as the Trojan Horse invasion of Amerika continues unabated, these four pillars of our nation's ruling class head out for the W-H gymnasium -- blissfully unconcerned that, like Amerika's middle-class erosion, their days of plutocratic/theocratic rule are being exposed as surely (however slowly) as the erasure of the U.S.-Mexico border.]

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

larryb@jerrypippin.com

An Online PETITION
to Help End the CIA's Illegal Denial of Records-Search-Fee Waivers to Journalistic FOIA Requesters!

By Larry Bryant

We, the undersigned People, hereby (1) declare our collective and individual support for all those "representatives of the news media" (including journalists, independent writers, online "bloggers," and public-interest-group content providers) who have incurred the U. S. Central Intelligence Agency's illegal denial of their applications for records-search-fee waivers in the course of submitting various freedom-of-information requests to the Agency; (2) urge the U. S. Congress to swiftly pass remedial legislation for countering and preventing the Agency's abuse of regulatory authority in this matter; and (3) tender this petition as affirmation of the public's stakeholdership in any related current/future litigation occurring within the federal court system.

BACKGROUND: Since its inception 40 years ago, the U. S. Freedom of Information Act has remained a thorn in the side of such federal agencies as the Central Intelligence Agency, which recently has taken it upon itself to defy the Act's sharply defined provision that "representatives of the news media" are entitled to have their various FOIA requests receive a waiver of all processing fees (other than those for the cost of duplicating records).

On June 14, 2006, a principal, serial victim of the CIA defiance -- the George Washington University-based National Security Archive in Washington, D. C. -- filed suit in U. S. District Court for the District of Columbia to reverse and enjoin the Agency's unfair, illegal, and dangerous policy/practice (see: http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/news/20060614/index.htm ).

Another recent victim -- petitioner Larry W. Bryant, a columnist for the monthly newsstand periodical "UFO magazine" ( http://www.ufomag.com ) -- is retaining legal counsel to assure his FOIA rights as an independent writer, along with his freedom-of-the-press right and equal-protection-of-the-laws right under the U. S. Constitution. In CIA FOIA chief Scott Koch's July 19, 2006, fee-waiver-denial letter to Bryant, the Agency singles out the UFO press for disdain and disregard, using these words: "The July 1947 crash [near Roswell, N. M.] is not a current event, and the UFO press is not the general public."

WHEREAS, the CIA FOIA chief has a statutory obligation not to apply arbitrary and capricious rules for granting records-search-fee waivers to "representatives of the news media";

WHEREAS, such independent writers like Larry W. Bryant are being discriminated against by this illegal, hostile CIA scheme of non-compliance with established FOIA/constitutional ideals, principles, case law, and the stated intent of Congress; and

WHEREAS, in a FOIA-released, UFO-research-related memorandum dated Aug. 14, 1973, a CIA official stated the Agency's self-fulfilling prophecy that "[censored], in their telephone conversation, suggested that we had not heard the last from Mr. Bryant" --

We hereby intend that our signatures (1) affirm Mr. Bryant's FOIA-requester status as a "representative of the news media" and (2) demand immediate, permanent cessation of any and all CIA interference with his and with other similarly classed requesters' statutory and constitutional rights. Our demand fully and unequivocally endorses Mr. Bryant's and others' quest for prompt and wide-ranging remedial action -- whether that remedy be legislative, litigative, or both.

[LWB Note: This online petition was posted, on July 24, 2006, upon the following Internet web page:

http://www.petitiononline.com/ciafoia/petition.html
larryb@jerrypippin.com

To: larryb@jerrypippin.com
From: <jerry@jerrypippin.com> Sent: Saturday, July 22, 2006 9:01 AM
Subject: Fw: CIA v. The "UFO Press"

Mr. Larry W. Bryant, Please be advised that www.jerrypippin.com will gladly entertain joining with you and others from the media in protest including possible legal action if deemed necessary. This is an outrage, particularly when the CIA asserts that Roswell is not the public's business. After all, this government seems to forget that they operate on the people's money, so the people have paid for the entitled to see what their hard earned money is buying for their country.

As a side note, if the administration continues to operate in this manner of high secrecy, not allowing the average tax payer to see the fruits of his labor? Then I suggest we only tax the corporations and allow the people to go free. Unfortunately this bunch of highway robbers and black operatives have chosen another route, letting the Corporations off the hook and taxing the middle class into oblivion while saying they are doing the opposite.

Go get them and I am sure other media, especially involved in the UFO field, will join with me in supporting any Court Action possible. Meanwhile I will contact my congressman, Rep. Dan Boren, who though a Democrat, leads the pack in getting energy company money for his campaigns. He learned well from his father who has turned the Oklahoma University Campus into one super advertising mall with big corporate donors with their huge name plates making this famed institution of higher learning look like a buffet of advertising signs.

Jerry Pippin
jerry@jerrypippin.com
www.jerrypippin.com
www.bushbusiness.com
www.vegasradioshow.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------

CIA v. The "UFO Press"
Larry W. Bryant
07/22/06

[LWB Note: Ever since its inception 40 years ago, the U. S. Freedom of Information Act has served as a nuisance to such agencies as the U. S. Central Intelligence Agency. Now, can you imagine this: any federal agency's using taxpayer funds to thwart the spirit and/or letter of this venerable open-access statute aimed at serving the informational needs and interests of the nation's taxpayers (especially since some of those funds were used to generate the records in question)?

Well, fellow FOIAphiles, that's what we now have in the upcoming federal lawsuit of Bryant v. CIA. By his July 19, 2006, letter to me (quoted below), CIA FOIA chief Scott Koch has thrown down the gauntlet -- tossing me back into the FOIA briar patch, where I'm shaking hands with a similar victim, called the National Security Archive. For you see, this public-interest organization housed at the George Washington University in Washington, D. C., has once again filed suit against the CIA FOIA folks because of the Agency's refusal to honor the Archive's requester status as a "representative of the news media." (See a copy of the Archive's June 14, 2006, complaint at http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/news/20060614/index.htm

It so happens that I, as a columnist for the newsstand monthly periodical "UFO," share the same requester status as the Archive's. But no, says Koch & Co. I, like the Archive, must get on my knees and justify my existence under some arbitrary and capricious criteria not envisioned by the intent of Congress.

But there's a slight variation on the theme here. I notice that the Archive's complaint neglects to cite the organization's rights under the freedom-of-the-press clause of the First Amendment. Nowhere does that clause's language confine its protection to those who own a printing press, publish literature, and distribute (for example) entertainment media. Hence, individuals like me also enjoy the clause's protective scope in the matter of government-related oversight, editorial criticism, citizen-directed debate, and the eternal ideals of free access/inquiry and public accountability. In particular, the most self-revealing statement expressed by Mr. Koch -- "The July 1947 crash [near Roswell, N.M.] is not a current event, and the UFO press is not the general public" -- plants a red herring right at the feet of judicial determination in, at least, the Court of Public Opinion.

As with the Archive's case, Koch errs in trying to manipulate the definition of "news" to serve his agency's censorial proclivity. Understand this, sir: the term "news" constitutes whatever a publisher/editor/reporter/broadcaster/archivist and his/her readership deem it to be -- NOT what any federal agency might deem it to be. By levying unauthorized records-search fees upon any representative of the news media, you're imposing a de facto, inhibitory licensing fee upon those who'd dare exercise their freedom-of-the-press rights. First Amendment case law rejects that official policy/practice. Note: Koch's singling out the UFO press for disdain and disregard also violates the U. S. constitution's equal-protection-of-the-laws provision.

I therefore encourage all producers, content providers, and consumers of such media as UFO magazine, FATE magazine, the MUFON UFO Journal, the myriad of UFO-related web sites/blogs, and all UFO-oriented book publishers, along with the various UFO-related TV documentarians, to express to the CIA director their objections to this unfair, illegal, and dangerous policy; your doing so via your congressmen might result in an actual response from the Agency.]

-------------------------------------

TEXT OF MR. KOCH'S 19 JULY 06 LETTER TO L.W.B.:

Dear Mr. Bryant:

Reference: F-2006-01045

We received your 5 June 2006 letter seeking to change your fee status from "all other" to "news media." As we noted in our 20 May 2006 letter to you, a request must satisfy ALL of the criteria set forth in our published regulations to receive preferential fee treatment as a representative of the news media. The records being requested must:

* concern current events;

* interest the general public;

* enhance the public understanding of the operations or activities of the U. S. Government; and

* be disseminated to a significant element of the public at minimal cost.

You write: "Corso's role as a Pentagon-based intelligence/R&D analyst in helping exploit the advanced technological artifacts retrieved from the July 1974 crash-landing of a 'flying saucer' near Roswell, N. M., reverberates, to this day, in the UFO press." The July 1947 crash is not a current event, and the UFO press is not the general public.

In addition, as you know, you have an outstanding fee balance of $30.00 for request F-2006-01956. Please remit a check or money order made payable to the Treasurer of the United States citing F-2006-01956 to ensure credit to your account.

Before we can process your requests, we must receive your check or money order for $30.00 for request F-2006-01956, and we must receive your commitment to pay fees in the "all other" fee category for F-2006-01045.

Meanwhile, we will hold your request in abeyance for 45 days from the date of this letter. If we do not receive your commitment to pay fees in the "all other" fee category within that time, we will assume that you are no longer interested in pursuing this request, and we will close this case.

Sincerely,

Scott Koch Information and Privacy Coordinator
---------------------------

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 11. Of Boredom, Boardrooms, and Boarding Limousines
07/20/06

[Author's Note: After their ultimate case of trying to "kill" the messenger of bad news, the vacationing Fabulous Five have only a day left before they have to leave the moldy-but-cozy environs of Williamsburg, Va., and to return to the sterile-with-peril 'residential habitat in D.C. All a-buzz about Tony Schmoe's recent "notice letter" to Bryant, the others surround Tony with their questions and comments. Meanwhile, down in the petitionland of Muskogee, Okla. ( http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ), the relatively unknown congresscritter from that district -- Rep. Ima Boring (R.) -- plows through a stack of just-delivered snail-mail. About half-way through the process, she comes upon a letter post-marked "ALEXANDRIA, VA." Instead of the usual practice of discarding citizens mail originating outside her district, Boring, for whatever reason, gives in to curiosity: she proceeds to examine this letter from Larry W. Bryant.]

BRYANT'S challenge:

Hello, Ms. Boring:

Now that my online petition in support of impaneling a presidential grand jury probe in Muskogee (as posted on http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html ) is nearing its 300th signature, I offer this opportunity for you and your staff to add YOUR signatures to this grassroots effort to hold Bu$ch-Cheezey fully accountable for whatever criminal acts they may have committed during their terms in office.

Once our associates on the ground there in Muskogee succeed in collecting the requisite 2,500 or so signatures on the FORMAL citizens petition-for-impanelment, we expect to append a printout of the electronically signed version to the formal, local one -- as exemplifying the nationwide citizenry's stakeholdership in having Muskogee County's registered voters step in where Congress has feared to tread.

When you campaigned for a seat in the U. S. House of Representatives a few years ago, you stated that you have no fear of anything, anyone, or any future development within the political arena. Well, madam, here's your chance to own up to that statement -- to prove that your expressed sentiment of fearless representation amounts to much more than a handful of empty words. Come on: sign the online petition and thereby signal the Muskogee County's district judge that the local Committee for Impanelment has your unqualified support for this long-overdue investigatory action. And, once the impaneled grand jury concludes its investigation and issues its report, may we then count on you to undertake the next phase of the impeachment process: your introducing a resolution in the House, seeking this gravely necessary remedy for Bu$ch-Cheezey's crimes of commission and omission?

If you decide to distance yourself from our last-ditch effort to help rein in the excesses and abuses of the Bu$ch-Cheezey junta, then you will have taken your place in history alongside the most negative figures in Amerikan political leadership. Your choice, of course -- but know that the accountability equation applies to all branches of the federal government.

See you at the voting precinct in November?

LARRY W. BRYANT

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

BORING'S retreat:

Dear (non-constituent) Larry:

You've wasted your time in contacting me via your recent letter promoting the impaneling of a special (presidential) grand-jury probe here in Muskogee. Though I understand that Congress's "Jefferson Manual" does provide for the impeachment process to go forward on the strength of charges emanating from a grand jury investigation, you have to be out of your mind to expect any incumbent Republican congressman to get anywhere near this proposal. As you surely must realize by now, the U. S. Congress is not in the business of promoting novelty.

So, I say to you: forget it. Get out there to the malls, theatres, picnics, sports arenas, restaurants, pool halls, and other treasures of our sacred American culture -- and have some fun! Leave the governance to us on Capitol Hill, where, from our daily interaction with the nation's industrial, financial, and religious leaders, we can maintain all necessary controls to assure continued comfort for you and your loved ones.

Thank you, Larry, for this opportunity to be of service. And, if you need further help, please "hang up and call your operator."

Sincerely,

IMA BORING Member of Congress

[As they board a brewery-furnished limousine for a quick trip to Jamestown, Va., our Famous Fivesome hears a familiar ring; it's coming from Tony Schmoe's cell phone.]

SCHMOE: Oh, hi, congresswoman. [A minute of listening transpires.] Sure . . ., glad you called. Keep us posted on anything new. [Click.]

TROVE: And that was who, Tony?

SCHMOE: Rep. Boring from Oklahoma. She's still on the case down there in her home district of Muskogee. She'll be faxing us a copy of recent correspondence between her and Bryant -- including a masterful put-down she's just sent to him.

SLICE: Well, uh, maybe that'll cool his heels until we get back to D.C.

CHEEZEY: Yeah. How's that IRS review coming along re his and Pippin's tax returns for the past three years?

BU$CH: Check out this new, solid-gold putter that the [Williamsburg brewery's] CFO just gave me for my birthday. . ..

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 10. Collectible Correspondence
07/19/06

[The Fabulous Five of White(wash) House fame -- Schmoe, Trove, Cheezey, Slice, and Bu$ch -- have decided to take a break from their daily routine of gossip rehash and damage control. They're spending the weekend down in Williamsburg, Va., as guests of a local beer brewery. Dick Cheezey plans to get in a little skeet shooting. Tony Schmoe, his trusty laptop safely stowed in his backpack, wants to do some hiking along an old Indian trail. Karl Trove just prefers to be alone with his air-conditioned thoughts back at the 5-star motel. Kondy Slice? Well, she's hitting the suburban malls in search of some diamond-studded thong shoes to enhance her red-white-and-blue thong bikini. And Dubya Bu$ch is attending an investors meeting with the brewery's top executives, after which they'll venture out onto the golf course. But, a day or so before they left D.C., Schmoe had decided to dispatch a piece of certified snail-mail to one Larry W. Bryant. What follows below, then, is the content of both Schmoe's letter and Bryant's reply. Does anyone have any idea as to what these two documents might fetch -- in post-impeachment days -- from an online auction via E-Bay?]

SCHMOE'S woes:

Dear Larry:

Our Internet-tracking system here at the White(wash) House has detected some disturbing conduct on your part -- so disturbing, in fact, that we've assigned this matter the highest priority for remedial action. This means that major resources of such agencies as the NSA (Never Submit to Access), the CIA (Can't Inhibit Assassination), and the FBI (Federal Bureau of Intimidation) are being committed to stopping you and that despicable Jerry Pippin in your tracks.

Why, you might wonder, do I serve this formal notice at this time? Simply because of your unauthorized series of "chapters" chronicling the serious (and CLASSIFIED, I might add) discussions recently held here behind W-H doors, in which I've been a key participant (as you've posted on Pippin's web site: http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ).

Take note, "Lawrence of Alexandria," that these agencies have W-H instructions to do everything within their power to bring your subversive activity to an immediate halt. While outright assassination is not yet on the table, must we remind you of certain "accidental deaths" and "strange suicides" in recent months?

Since we view your "W-H Chronicles" as a form of gross sedition, we're taking immediate steps to bar all federal personnel from using their official office computers to access Pippin's web site. If you think we can't pull this off, just remember this: some months ago, we applied an identical remedy to curtail soldiers' access to the web site of http://www.militarycorruption.com . Sure, we eventually lifted the bar, but we caused the site's owner lots of grief and effort in the recovery process.

So, with this letter, you two traitors can consider the Larry-and-Jerry show down in Muskogee, Okla., to be ancient history. By now, you should know that neither of you can match (or withstand) the might and wrath of any Bu$ch-led organization.

My advice to you both: get out of the way NOW or face the (deadly) consequences SOON!

Sincerely,

TONY SCHMOE W-H Spokesman

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

BRYANT'S retort:

Hey, Schmoe (& Co.):

So, finally, it's come to this: Jerry Pippin and Larry W. Bryant in receipt of one of the all-coveted death threats from the emperor's non-apologetic, sartorial trailblazer -- Tony the Toady.

As I sit here -- all a-quiver with gut-wrenching fear that your agencies' goon squads soon will work their Abu Ghraib-style persuasion upon me and Jerry -- I can't help wondering what that very special W-H mole thinks about this development. Could it be, Herr Schmoe, that (s)he possesses so much damaging insider dope on YOUR activities that you'll soon be rescinding your above-quoted notice?

Go ahead: keep punching this political tarbaby in the gut.

Meantime, we grand-jury-project activists down here in Muskogee's First Amendment briar patch have a bit more advice for YOU: keep a-preenin' in that W-H hallway mirror, but disregard that shadow behind you; it's not the ghost of Bill Klinton. Rather, it's the handwriting on the Wall of Shame.

Confidently,

LARRY W. BRYANT Curator of http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 9: All the King's Men on the Lam from Qui Tam
07/17/06

[Author's Note: Our quintessential quintet of questionable character has regrouped in the West Wing of the White(wash) House, where they're taking turns analyzing the day's latest crisis. In the order of their relevant importance to the U. S. republic's survival are Tony Schmoe, Karl Trove, Dick Cheezey, Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice, and Dubya Bu$ch.]

SCHMOE: [clearing his throat and looking at his watch]: Guys, yesterday, when I was over there in Arlington at Pentagon City Mall, I noticed this bumper sticker on the back of a 1988 Hyundai. It said: "AMERIKA DESERVES THE GOVERNMENT IT Didn't VOTE FOR!" Now, what d'ya s'pose that means?

SLICE: Well, don't tell Dubya this, but I, uh, think it can have one (or both) of TWO meanings.

CHEEZEY: Before Dubya gets back here from the bathroom, let's hear 'em both -- quick -- Kondy.

SLICE: Okay: Meaning No. 1 -- Since lots of registered voters chose not to exercise their franchise in the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections, they helped the Democraps lose the opportunity to swing the result in their favor. Ergo, by their choosing not to vote at all, they ended up with the government they DIDN'T vote for. (Let's hope they make that same mistake in November '06 and '08!) Meaning No. 2 -- Most of those who did vote for us -- i.e., our sheeple base -- had no idea we'd achieve such a (successful) power grab once we got in office. You'll note Bryant's fondness for using that disrespectful spelling of our beloved nation -- "AmeriKa," which he claims is meant to signify the apartheid between "those who have a say [in the affairs of our administration] and those who have little or no say." So, to his ilk, "it matters not whether a Republican or a Democrat wins a given election, for little of consequence toward progress ever derives from our two-party system's tendency to maintain the corporate-fed status quo."

TROVE: Mighty sharp analysis, there, Dr. Slice! Tony, did you happen to catch the license plate of that Hyundai?

SCHMOE: Matter of fact, I did jot it down. Not too sure what it means, but it's some sort of vanity plate bearing the letters "UFO-LWB."

[At that moment, Bu$ch returns to the briefing room, ashen-faced and antsy.]

BU$CH: I just got a cell-phone call from the Justice Department. More woes for the weary, it seems. They've just received a copy of the complaint in something called a "qui tam" lawsuit involving voting-machine fraud. Albertino, over there, explained that the suit has to do with the federal government's purchase of machines from two major manufacturers ("Liebold" and "SAFE"). Those targeted companies are being charged with selling us machines that their managers knew (and/or should've known) were vulnerable to tampering and misapplication. Albertino added that, if the suit makes any headway, the result could be catastrophic for us here, especially if any government whistleblower were to come forward with hard evidence showing our complicity in the manufacturers' fraudulent activity. You get my drift? Oh, by the way: Albertino also told me that Jerry Pippin's web site [ http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ] already has posted some information about this election-fraud stuff. And we're subject to another web site -- something called the "People's Email Network" [ http://www.usalone.com ] -- issuing an "action alert" on this topic to all its members, who'll e-flood Congress with demands for immediate remedial action (including impeachment).

CHEEZEY: Now, sit down -- and calm down -- Dubya! Who's heading up the lawsuit?

BU$CH: Some guy named Mike Papantonio down in Pensacola, Florida. He and his associate attorney RFK, Jr., are representing one or more whistleblowers formerly employed by the two companies. According to Albertino, if they prevail in the lawsuit, then the whistleblowers will get a substantial percentage of whatever monetary judgment the court decides to award. You might say, therefore, that the court's "decidership" might well trump mine.

CHEEZEY: I'm telling you, right now, Dubya: get back on the phone and tell Albertino he'd better keep his butt far away from this one. And, you, Tony: use any means you can to stall any related media inquiries about this development. This thing could be our Achilles' heel during the coming election cycle. Kondy, do you have any ideas for diverting blame to the French or Germans on this fiasco?

SLICE: Uh, not right now, Dick. Check back with me this afternoon after my appointment with the hairdresser.

SCHMOE: We each have our marching orders here, Dick. Now, what say we march over to the gym for some serious R&R? -- we've certainly earned it today!

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Chapter 8: Blowing Smoke upon Tell-all Mirrors
07/14/06

[Author's Note: Some readers of this federal fable have been clamoring for me to reveal the identity of the W-H mole who's been relaying vital material to the Muskogee, Okla., Committee for Citizens Impanelment of a Presidential Grand Jury ( http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ). In due course, I plan to make that revelation, especially since I've been receiving reports that this particular "Deep Throat" has been experiencing ill health lately; something having to do with exposure to spent depleted-uranium munitions. We wouldn't want the undertaker to perform any (posthumous) thunder-stealing magic here, would we? Now, then: entering from stage right, with all their familial splendor, are the key players in this serialized drama: Tony Schmoe, Karl Trove, Dick Cheezey, Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice, and Dubya Bu$ch.]

SCHMOE: Whoever left that popcorn burning in the Oral Orifice actually did us a favor -- it gave us another hour of R&R at poolside. But it sure took that fire truck long enough to get here. What if this little diversion had been a terrorist attack? Can't we get an extra ventilation system installed -- like the emergency one Saddam had been running in his palace?

TROVE: Working on it, Tony. No money in the current budget for it, but there's plenty of dough left in the crack-dealer-shakedown fund over at NSA headquarters. Dubya and I will be at the Fort Meade golf course on Friday with Gen. Walbomb, so we'll ask him about it.

SLICE: Say, does that fund have, uh, some loose change for me to take on my trip to Hong Kong next week? Just a few hundred bucks? I understand that a new -- underground -- shopping mall has just been completed over there. And, by the way, it's said to have THREE emergency-vent systems.

BU$CH: While you're there, Kondy, see what new, customized golfing gloves they have; tomorrow, I'll give you a fresh plaster-of-Paris imprint of my hands so that I'll get a perfect fit.

CHEEZEY: How about if we ALL join Kondy in that outing? I could use a new shotgun and a new . . . .

SCHMOE [interrupting]: Can't do that, sir; at least two of us have to be here to handle the Muskogee damage-control task, which is heatin' up even as speak.

CHEEZEY: All right, then. Let's draw straws. Anyone have five cigarettes?

[Using some cigarettes left over from last Wednesday's poker game, they perform the ritual.]

CHEEZEY: Rats! So, it's Karl and I who have to stay behind. Let's redo the drawing.

SCHMOE: No time for that now. As I said: things are heatin' up down in Muskogee.

BU$CH: How so?

SCHMOE [reaching into his brief case and retrieving several copies of a one-page document, and handing them out to the others]: This thing just arrived this morning. It's a freedom-of-information request from Bryant. He's asking that we send him a copy of all W-H-generated and W-H-received records pertaining to the Muskogeans' grand-jury-impanelment project -- "said records to include intelligence estimates/briefings/plans, wiretap/physical-surveillance reports, informant input, executive correspondence (including all e-mail messages), interagency memoranda-of-understanding, logs of long-distance phone calls, polygraph-exam reports, legal-counsel opinions, temporary-duty reports, data-mining contracts, minutes of meetings, document-transmittal slips, faxed documents, memoranda for record, and any and all audio-tape recordings of all hot-tub conversations." In short, guys, he wants our hide. And notice that item about "polygraph exams." How did HE know about THAT?!

BU$CH: So, how do you spell "stonewall"?

TROVE: No so fast there, Dubya. It ain't that simple. Bryant's already gearing up to sue the Central Intelligence Agency over their recent denial of his requester status as an "independent writer focusing on national-security affairs." He wants to retain that status acknowledgment so as to qualify for records-search-fee waivers for ALL his FOIA fishing expeditions. If he sues US, and if the judge orders us to cough up any of the obviously incriminating records he's trying to smoke out, then he and Jerry Pippin won't need to pursue the Muskogee project any further -- they'll have all the smoking-gun evidence they'll need for your and Dick's impeachment.

SLICE: This is giving me a headache. Let me have one of those, uh, cigarettes.

CHEEZEY: So, what's so bad about just another lawsuit here? You know that Karl and I've recently been slapped with a "civil conspiracy" suit by Joe Wilson and his wife. By the time these suits produce anything of substance, we'll all be retired, dead, or both.

SCHMOE: But, Dick, there's a rumor that Bryant's prospective suit and the Wilsons' current one might somehow get tied into the discovery process of the war-crimes case against Dubya's father, now moving forward in Iceland.

CHEEZEY: That's apples-and-oranges confusion, Tony -- just so long as no foreign country is contemplating suing Dubya himself for any "war crimes" attributable to our administration. Besides, who gives a "ribbly" about any two-bit country's pacifism?

SCHMOE: Okay, then. I'll sit on Bryant's FOIA request. If we get any media inquiries about it, I'll just refer 'em to the fact that Bryant's stellar history of filing dozens of UFO-related FOIA requests/lawsuits ought to tell 'em enough about the mental state of this trouble-making subversive. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Testing . . . 1,2,3,4,5
07/14/06

[Author's Note: Serializing this saga of "Muskogee (David) v. Bu$ch-Cheezey (Goliath)" gets easier with the passage of time in the Court of Public Opinion. Our parade of the Naked Emperor and his dutiful, doting assistants also eases the burden of having to find more rich, compelling material by which to enliven and memorialize the pages of this chronicle. Today's glimpse behind the curtain in the West Wing offers us a rare opportunity to display the rawest examples of chicanery marketed by junta honchos Schmoe, Trove, Cheezey, Slice, and Bu$ch. So, tilt your ears this way, ladies and gentlemen.]

SCHMOE: Whew! Here it is Bastille Day '06 and we've almost run out of Perrier. Do you s'pose the French Embassy has a few bottles left over there in their basement, Karl? After all, they owe us a couple of favors for our helping them with E-Bay-ing some of those priceless artifacts retrieved from Saddam's palace.

SLICE: Well, uh, when you call 'em, Tony, would you mind asking them to let me know when they plan to hold their next French Shoe Industry Fair? Last year's event really helped mend some strained relations between us and them.

SCHMOE: Consider it done, Kondy.

TROVE: Can we now move on to our No. 1 agenda item for today?

CHEEZEY: Sure, as soon as Dubya returns from the bathroom. Hey! Here he comes now.

BU$CH: Sorry 'bout that. That last bottle of Perrier was just TOO much! Now, Karl, where were we?

TROVE: More bad news, sir. You know that spoof-insider series of blog-styled entries Bryant's been posting on Pippin's web site down in Oklahoma [ http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm ]? Well, Dumsfeld's counter-intel guys have been analyzing the first several installments, and they've discovered that either Bryant or Pippin (or both) has been cultivating -- now, get this -- a live "mole" somewhere here in the House. They say that Bryant's stuff reveals certain details, mannerisms, plans, and data that only a direct-mole access could provide him.

CHEEZEY: Now, Karl, are you saying that we have a "Deep Throat" in our midst who's (gasp!) been leaking incriminating stuff to those Muskogean monkeys? If that's the case, get Gen. Walbomb and his crew over here tomorrow so that they can start checking the hot tub and officers clubs for "bugs."

TROVE: Will do, Dick. And one more thing: there's buzz on the Internet that Pippin's planning to have Bryant's satirical chronicle professionally illustrated. And you know what'll come next -- a published anthology of the thing, complete with book-promotion tour and all the attendant publicity. We've GOT to find that mole -- and soon, sir.

SCHMOE: Let's hope we can find him (or her) before the Muskogeans start shopping around for a TV producer to bring out a pseudo-reality show based on the book. We'll be doomed if Public TV or C-SPAN picks up and runs with this idea.

BU$CH: Then shut yo' mouth on it for now! Just let Ronnie and his boys continue their work on it. When we find the mole, we'll "render" him over to the Chinese for organ harvesting. THEY owe us a couple of favors, too, you know.

SLICE: Speaking of Ronnie -- at dinner last night, he, uh, said that he's expecting, any day now, to receive a ruling from the U. S. District Court for the District of Columbia as to the fate of Bryant's First Amendment lawsuit against the DoD [http://www.markskatz.com/militarycases.htm ]. He added that, if the judge grants Bryant's motion for an injunction to stop our censorship of his so-called "whistleblower solicitation" ads he's been submitting to various military-base newspapers, then DoD stands ready to appeal. But Ronnie also said that he still presumes Bryant will file an appeal if the judge rules in our favor. Could this case -- which Bryant calls "Bryant's 'Bleak House'" -- end up in the Supreme Court? Anyway, good thing we finally got Roberts and Alito ensconced up there!

CHEEZEY: Hasn't this case been going on for more than a year now?

TROVE: Yep. Mainly because the federal court system is clogged with too many governmental-corruption cases (not all of 'em traceable to us, thank god).

BU$CH: This is way too much irony for me in one day's time. I'm heading out for the gym. See y'all later.

[As the exit door swings shut against the Emperor's fleshy butt, a moment of deep silence descends upon his entourage. A minute or so passes. Heads lowered, as if in prayer; hands kept in laps, as if their fingers were crossed for good luck's sake. Could this be a turning point -- an epiphany-of-realization that the Bu$ch-Cheezey reign finally has reached its limit on abuse-of-power and on self-deception? Kondrella Slice, her right hand trembling slightly, now takes a sip from her near-empty glass of Perrier. Reluctantly -- but almost in the relief-filled manner of a serial killer who, after years of eluding justice, mutters to the arresting officer, "What took you so long?" -- she breaks the silence.]

SLICE: Okay, guys. I have an idea for getting to the bottom of this mole thing. Let's all of us here agree to immediately undergo a polygraph exam -- the key question being: "Have you at any time during the past two months been a party to surreptitiously providing insider W-H knowledge to Larry W. Bryant and/or Jerry Pippin?" If you all raise your right hands in assenting to the test -- as I'm doing now -- I'll phone Gen. Walbomb to arrange for the testing sessions there at NSA headquarters.

[Just as Trove and Cheezey begin to fidget in their chairs, the White(wash) House's fire alarm system shrieks out an alert.]

SCHMOE [jumping to his feet]: We'll have to take this up next time, Kondy. Right now, I smell smoke. Let's get outta here! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html

larryb@jerrypippin.com

United We (Misunder-) Stand
07/13/06

[Author's Note: In this continuing (endless?) saga of how not to manage damage-control strategy from within the White(wash) House, our cadre of controllers (the near-monosyllabic gang of five) -- Schmoe, Trove, Cheezey, Slice, and Bu$ch -- are gathered, once again, in the Situation Room off the West Wing. There they're bracing themselves for the latest bad news from Muskogee, Oklahoma. Now, go ahead: press RECORD on your PTR (personal tape recorder).]

BU$CH: Too bad, guys: today, I won't be spending much time with you on recent developments. I'm scheduled to join Bill Klinton for a back-nine round of golf at Fort Belvoir. As soon as my supernumerary gets here from the Pentagon -- Ronald Dumsfeld -- I'm off for the links! The helicopter's warming up now.

SCHMOE: Didn't you come close to a hole-in-one at the 17th hole last week, Dub?

BU$CH: Yep. Kondy and I were matched up with Hillary and Bill that day. If those two women hadn't been talking so loudly, my concentration would've pushed that ball an extra inch, into the cup.

SLICE: Uh, sorry, Dubya. We thought our conversation was helping your concentration, not hurting it. Also sorry -- hah-hah! -- that our scores beat out both yours and Bill's.

BU$CH: No more foursomes from now on, Kon . . . [interrupting himself]. Say [pointing to the opening door], here comes Ronnie now. See y'all tomorrow [shaking hands with Dumsfeld, and quickly departing].

DUMSFELD: Hi, folks. Here I am, late again. Had to preside at another tree-planting ceremony over in Lady Bird Park.

CHEEZEY: And who was the honored person?

DUMSFELD: It was that stray CAT that had crawled out of the debris at the Pentagon back on 9/11/01. You know how much my office cared about ol' Niney -- our mascot for memorializing the event [wiping aside a rolling tear]. Like me, he had an independent streak and a love for hunting mice around the yacht basin at Lady Bird. Well (cough-cough), last week, during our office picnic, he got entangled in a fishing line and choked to death before we could hoist him back aboard the yacht. He's buried right next to the park's main gate. We've planted a 9-foot-tall oak next to the grave.

SLICE [sniffing into a tissue]: So sorry, uh, about this profound loss, Ronnie. Now, tell us some -- hopefully good -- news about the Muskogee mess.

DUMSFELD: Well, as I told Karl on the phone last night, NSA's Gen. Walbomb has faxed me a copy of an intercepted e-mail message from Bryant to Pippin. I would've e-forwarded a copy of it to each of you, but Walbomb had decided to mark it TOP SECRET -- and you know that, because of the likes of that nasty Brit McKinnon, our e-mail system remains insecure.

TROVE: Of course, we also know that Dubya easily can downgrade the thing to UNCLASSIFIED if we need to leak it to Novak. So, tell us, Ronnie, what does the message reveal about any Bryant-Pippin conspiracy?

DUMSFELD: It consists of a draft public notice announcing "An Essay Contest on the Desirability for Impaneling a Presidential Grand Jury Probe in Muskogee County, Okla." [ http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm ] And it solicits from this fall's crop of new college-bound freshmen from Muskogee a 750-to-1,250-word original essay on the topic "Why I Support Impanelment of a Presidential Grand Jury Probe." Bryant proposes that the contest's first-place winner receive a personal "scholarship" check from him in the amount of $200.

CHEEZEY: My god, man! It's bad enough that these Muskogeans are trying to pollute the minds and hearts of their own generation. Now, we've just got to draw the line at this shameless attempt to commandeer the tender minds of our nation's college freshmen. Isn't there something in the USA PATRIOT Act that we can invoke to prohibit activation of this subversive contest? We can't just settle with telling Pippin/Bryant/Swartley/Dicken to "go freak" themselves.

TROVE: I'll get right on researching our options, Dick. For one thing: where's Bryant getting all his funding for this allegedly altruistic enterprise? We'll "follow the money," all right. Let's tap into his and Pippin's bank-account transactions, pronto! Good work, Ronnie, on intercepting that e-message. Keep it up! These guys are totally underestimating our power and resolve to rein 'em in. Now, Kondy . . . .

[At this point, the special-access phone on Bu$ch's desk rings with that choppy, loud tone of urgency.]

SCHMOE [picking up the receiver]: Yes, Dubya . . . what's that? -- you've made a hole-in-one on the 17th?! Oh, glory days, pal! And there's something else, you say? Oooooo . . . your "37" has beaten Bill's "42." [Turning to Dumsfeld] Did you get that, Ronnie? -- a margin of 9 points. I bet ol' Niney would've been proud of that! Oh, you say, Dub, you gotta go back to the toilet? Okay, sir; now I'm beginning to see why they refer to you as the "urinary" 'resident. Catch ya in the tub at noon tomorrow. [Click]

CHEEZEY: Jeez, Tony! The word is "unitary" -- U-N-I-T-A-R-Y. Meaning that, for our purposes, Dubya reigns supreme. You'd better nukularize that other term right now!

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Pardon ME, Mr. 'resident!
07/11/06

[Author's Note: As we've seen from previous installments of this insider glimpse of what's been unfolding at the White(wash) House during the summer of '06, the ubiquitous hot tub remains the hub for the most serious activity of our key principals: Schmoe, Trove, Cheezey, Slice, and Bu$ch. Today, on a muggy Monday morning, they're all in the tub at once.]

BU$CH: Man, we've just got to find more time for these chill-out sessions, guys!

SLICE: Yes, they, uh, sure help us focus on the important stuff. Can't we increase their frequency, now that Dog Days are just around the corner?

BU$CH: I didn't know you had any dogs, Kondy.

SLICE: Oh, I, uh, meant the ASTRONOMICAL "Dog Days," Dub -- you know, that time of year when a certain star group coincides with the doldrums of summertime.

BU$CH: Well, I've decided there ain't gonna be "doldrums" around here, in any season. Except for maybe one doldrum.

CHEEZEY: And THAT would be . . .?

BU$CH: You tell 'em, Karl: I've got to go to the toilet.

TROVE: All right, sir [as Dubya lopes off toward the exit]. Some staffers over at the Old X building are calling it the "Muskogee Doldrum." Seems the more fun the Muskogeans are having down there in Oklahoma with that grand-jury signature-petition drive, the more headaches it's causing for us up here. For instance, go look at their two web sites [ http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm and http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.htm ].

SCHMOE [fingering his trusty miniature laptop]: You're right, again, Karl. Check this out: they've just put up a poll question -- "Which major U. S. news medium will be first to headline the story about Muskogee's pre-impeachment grand-jury impanelment?" And it says here: "Whoever first makes the right guess will win a weekend-long, expense-free trip to Muskogee -- the county that'll keep us free!"

[At this point, Dubya returns to the tub, hops in, and proceeds to trip over one of Kondy's big feet. He bounces off Tony, who loses his grip on the laptop, now quickly sinking beneath the foam.]

BU$CH: Oops! Forget it, Tony baby. Saddam had dozens of those stored in his palace, so we'll just grab another one of 'em for ya.

SCHMOE: But what about all the data on this one?

BU$CH: Forget that too -- I'm sure Gen. Walbomb over at NSA has it all backed up on HIS mainframe.

CHEEZEY: Now that you mention Saddam, I have an idea. We can use him as a means for diverting ANY media attention from all that Muskogee monkey business.

TROVE: I'm listening, sir.

CHEEZEY: We'll simply have Dubya bestow an immediate presidential pardon upon Saddam. After all, look at how many questionable pardons Klinton got away with during the waning days of HIS last term (which is why I view him as the best REPUBLICANesque president we've ever had).

TROVE: Brilliant! And while we're at it, we can issue a posthumous pardon to Kenny "Boy" Lay. That way, all his Swiss bank accounts can be applied toward our congressional campaigns in November. Not only that: even if the Muskogee grand jury's report does lead to your two's impeachment, this successful pardoning precedent will allow you, Dubya, to pardon Dick in advance and vice versa. What a system!

BU$CH: But may I really pardon Saddam -- you know, LEGALLY?

CHEEZEY: Remember: as the Great Decider, Dubya, you can decide on ANY course of action.

SCHMOE: But it needn't come to that if we can figure out a way to cut these guys off at the Muskogee pass. Does either Pippin or Bryant have any heart problems? If so, maybe we could arrange for them to get "LAYed."

SLICE: But haven't we reached our quota on assassinations this term? What if we get caught red-handed?

CHEEZEY: Now, now, Kondy; fret not over that. If we get caught, Dubya will prepardon me, and I'll prepardon him. We can thank the Nixon-Ford legacy for this magnificent loophole.

TROVE: Fine. Let's go have some lunch. I understand that the new Golden Corral franchise at Fort McNair's officers club has a "special" today on lobster tails. After that, we've got to go over to the Commerce Department for a tree-planting ceremony in honor of Ken Lay.

[As the dynamic core of Amerikan leadership scrambles out of the tub and heads into the locker room, Kondy Slice trips over one of Dubya's discarded towels and falls into his arms.]

SLICE: Uh, "pardon" ME, Mr. 'resident!

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Old Executives Don't Dehydrate; They Just Go for a Swim
07/10/06

[Author's Note: As we open this installment of the White(wash) House Chronicles -- starring the usual suspects of Tony Schmoe, Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice, W. Bu$ch, Karl Trove, and Dick Cheezey -- we feel the beat of thunderous laughter permeating the walls of the West Wing.]

SCHMOE: Ah, hah-hah, hah-hah! Boy, Dubya! You REALLY fell for that one. Wait 'til I tell the Press Corps.

BU$CH: Whaddya mean, Tony: . . . fell for what? What are you guys laughin' about, anyway?

SLICE: Tee-hee, tee-hee . . . . This, uh, is priceless, Dub. You ought to know that there's no such hand-held surveillance device like the one Karl's just described. It's all a big joke.

BU$CH: But what about the conversation I just heard -- about this NSA-Navy-led coup scheduled for tomorrow?

CHEEZEY: Jeez, Dubya, do I have to map it out for ya on a napkin at Happy Hour? Those two guys were in on the joke, too. There's gonna be no coup hereabouts -- so long as we're in charge (right, Karl?).

TROVE: You betcha, Dick. I'm hoping we got all that drill on tape -- it'll be worth thousands when it finds its way to E-Bay. Maybe we can inflate its value by leaking its existence to Bryant. Then, when he files a freedom-of-information request for access to it and has to wage a federal lawsuit to compel its disclosure, imagine how much we can command for auctioning it off to the public.

BU$CH: God, how I wish I had yo' steel-trap mind, Karlie Baby.

TROVE: Well, sir, you actually have had it -- vicariously for five years now.

SCHMOE: True, indeed. And I'm hoping Karl can swing some of his grey matter toward the Muskogee problem.

CHEEZEY: How so?

SCHMOE: Well, since we can't seem to stymie their grand-jury petition project electronically, we've got to put somebody on the ground down there to do our dirty work.

SLICE: You mean do some kind of, uh, infiltration or sabotage, like the COINTELPRO guys did in the sixties?

TROVE: Exactly. We could plant a few shills down there in Oklahoma to make sure the signature-gathering gets bureaucratically sidetracked. We could phony-up some charges of irregularity in their canvassing process, and, you know, apply various other tried-and-true techniques to derail the project in its tracks. Just like Iraqnam: "a piece of cake" -- whether we do it right or not. But, please: no car bombs at the signature-drive sites; too expensive an operation. Just let the shotgun-totin' locals handle that phase of things. By the time Jerry of Muskogee and Larry of Allie get just a dozen or so signatures, they'll be a-quiverin' so much that they'll think an earthquake has rolled in from Nevada!

SLICE: Speaking of Nevada: aren't we all supposed to fly out to Las Vegas next weekend to help inaugurate the first annual National State Secrets Week? I, uh, have to make sure my Visa card has enough left on it to cover the taxes on a couple of pairs of imported red-white-and-blue pumps.

BU$CH: Better bring yo' red-white-and-blue bikini, too, Kondy. The forecast calls for upwards of 109 degrees by noon out there next Saturday.

SCHMOE: Well, in that case, we'd all better get acclimated, starting right now. It's 97 outside, so let's walk over to the Old Executive Office building and get in a little swim practice at THEIR pool.

CHEEZEY: Yeah, guys, let's go: last one in the pool is a turtle-on-a-pole!

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Be Careful What You Wish for, Karl
07/09/06

[Author's Note: It's the next day in the bowels of the White(wash) House, where we find our fearless fivesome poring over various charts, graphs, and memos pertaining to that vexatious project gathering momentum via http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment news.htm. Congratulating one another on their in-depth grasp of this damage-control chore facing the administration in these early weeks of summer '06, they busily take their customary seats opposite the 'resident's oaken desk: on the left, as one faces the desk, we find W-H spokesman Tony Schmoe; next to him, Kondrella ("Kondy") Slice. Over on the right sit Karl Trove and Dick Cheezey. Let's listen in . . ..]

SCHMOE: Where's Dubya?

SLICE: Uh, he's still in the pool. Says he'll be here shortly.

TROVE: Well, I wish he'd hurry up -- I've got something important to show him.

CHEEZEY: Yeah . . . what's that?

TROVE: It's my brand-new cell phone -- hot off the assembly line from over there at DARPA headquarters in Arlington. The ultimate in "Alien Technology," doncha know!

SCHMOE: I thought you were gonna get one from the post exchange at Fort Myer. Why go all the way to the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, Karl?

TROVE: Because it's a special-order model, invented expressly for us here at the House.

SLICE: I wonder if DARPA has a high-tech shoe department down there in its Shirlington branch.

TROVE: Well, this little puppy is half the size of one of your shoes, Kondy -- but it packs a wallop a thousand times greater than any shoe bomber could muster.

CHEEZEY [beginning to open his eyes]: Do tell us more, Karl.

TROVE: According to its operating instructions, the device can, with the mere press of this red button here, allow you to eavesdrop on any phone conversation in the world; all you need to know is at least one of the targeted parties' phone number. And the little blue button allows you to intercept anyone's e-mail messages, fax transmissions, bank-account transactions, etc.

SCHMOE: Great! Give us a demonstration.

TROVE: As soon as Dubya shows up.

CHEEZEY: Okay, Karl. Now, Kondy and Tony -- let's review the latest detail on what's happening in Muskogee, Oklahoma.

TROVE: Well, it ain't so good, sir. Our contacts at the Washington Times tell us that this guy Bryant has been circulating several disrespectful pieces of satire meant to expose our dark side (as if we have any -- haw, haw -- right, Dick?) Just recently, some of that trash has been showing up on several newspaper web sites' message boards. And, because of that tactic, I have a feeling that Bryant's online petition -- at http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html -- has been gaining more signatures than we'd expected.

CHEEZEY: So, how are we going to counter Bryant's satire campaign?

TROVE: For one thing, we've been encouraging an anonymous squad of ex-soldiers in Ardmore to wage cyberattacks against his character -- you know, the usual approach we take against such detractors: call him names, insult his associates, misrepresent his writings, vaguely threaten him, and generally harass him on line. But he's proved to be not the usual push-over. Wish we had someone like him to do our bidding over at the Department of Commerce's Enburton-and-Haliron division.

CHEEZEY: All right. Just keep on it, and let us know -- . . . .

BU$CH [now entering the room]: Sorry I'm late, folks. Rich Kannon needed another ten minutes in the hot tub to limber up for tonight's cocktail party down at the Navy Yard's officers club. Whatcha got in yo' hand there, Karl?

TROVE: It's my new cell phone I mentioned to you this morning, sir.

BU$CH: Sure. Go ahead and demonstrate it.

SLICE: I know what -- how about if we, uh, dial up the number of Gen. Al Walbomb there in NSA headquarters at Fort Meade? Here, let me have that thing, Karl.

After Kondy dials the number and taps on the red button, she hands the phone to Dubya. Pressing it to his left ear, he soon begins to whiten and tremble.

CHEEZEY: Dubya, what the hell's wrong?!

BU$CH: I can't believe it. Walbomb's talking with the chief of Naval Operations. They're finalizing plans for a coup against us -- to begin tomorrow morning. And I've got a golfing appointment with Bill Klinton at 9:00 a.m. and won't be around to watch it all transpire!

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Petitional Panic at the White(wash) House
07/07/06

[Author's Note: Here we are again, eavesdropping (how apropos!) upon a mid-July 2006 SBU ("sensitive but unclassified") briefing in the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W. W-H spokesman Tony Schmoe is addressing the usual suspects -- ranging from Herrs Bu$ch and Cheezey to Karl Trove and Kondrella (Kondy) Slice of State Department fame.]

SCHMOE: Well, guys, I've got some good news, and some bad, about this damned petition movement down in Muskogee, Oklahoma.

BU$CH: Go ahead, tell us the "good" first -- then I'll head out to the gym for a swim while you go over the bad news with the others here.

SCHMOE: Yes, sir. As I was saying: we know that none of the major news media have bothered to do a story on this proposed citizens petition to impanel a county grand jury to look into any alleged "crimes" you and the Vice have committed during your official tenure. But, of course, if, say, the New York Slimes dares tackle the matter, we'll be faced with the pack-journalism syndrome, and we're working hard at trying to defuse that prospect.

SLICE: How about the foreign media, Tony? I certainly don't want to have to respond to, uh, any queries on this from Chirac during a future state dinner party!

SCHMOE: Same goes for them -- all's quiet in, say, Canada, Europe, Australia, India, Japan, and -- even -- Iran.

BU$CH: Fine, then [heading out the door]. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

TROVE: So, Tony, what about this pipsqueak Pippin? How much dirt have you dug up on him thus far? I understand that the Internet's Google "search engine" is an ideal tool for checking into the background of our detractors.

SCHMOE: Not a piece of dirt on Jerry Pippin so far, sir; he's as clean as a brand-new pot pipe. So, the biggest negative thing is his ongoing association with the petition idea's originator -- some guy named Larry W. Bryant over in Virginia, whom some of his pals affectionately call "Lawrence of Alexandria."

CHEEZEY: Explain, will ya? -- I want to get to the gym, too, so that I can rest my back.

SCHMOE: Well, Bryant has started up an online petition to bolster public support for the formal one proposed for action by the registered voters in Muskogee. All that the Muskogeans need for the formal one is about 2,400 signatures, and the court will have to impanel the grand jury. So far, Bryant's online petition -- http://www.petitiononline.com/gjprobe/petition.html -- has garnered fewer than 300 signatures, but some of the signers' accompanying comments are real zingers.

CHEEZEY: Well, can't we get our info management folks to hack his petition out of existence?

TROVE: That's too risky right now, Dick. Better that we get Abramslough's successor to bribe the "petitiononline" owners to cancel Bryant's petition and tell him that "National Security" mandates such preventive action.

SCHMOE: Anyway, I'm happy to report that we've been able to dig up plenty of dirt on Bryant. For starters: according to Google, he's an unabashed "UFO researcher"! Not only that, he's known to have promoted so-called "nursing home reform" amongst some online message boards run by various newspapers across the country, and . . ..

CHEEZEY (interrupting): Oh, crap! We can't have THAT! The multi-billion-dollar-a-year nursing home industry remains our most loyal and prolific campaign contributor. Let's look into HIS I.R.S. records right now. Also, how does he get along with his neighbors?

SCHMOE; We understand, sir, that he's currently embroiled in a controversy over his condominium management's censorship of three of his letters-to-editor sent to the condo's newsletter. One of these letters calls for this huge condo community to endorse a proposed Alexandria-wide resolution favoring impeachment of Dubya and Dick.

SLICE: Uh, that wouldn't be the Parkfairfax Condominium, would it? It just so happens that I know the president of their unit owners association. I'll call him tomorrow and tell him that we'll pay all his legal fees (and more) if Bryant dares to sue 'em. Meantime, Dick, do you, uh, mind if I accompany you to the gym? -- my feet are killing me from wearing these new shoes all day. An hour in the hot tub oughta bring relief, doncha think?

TROVE: Yeah, I've gotta go, too. I dropped my cell phone in the hot tub yesterday, so I need to go over to the Fort Myer PX and buy a new one.

As they all head out the door, Tony Schmoe takes one last look in the hallway mirror, adjusts his tie, smacks his lips, and utters to himself: "Another day of sheer productivity. Boy, I love this job!"

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

larryb@jerrypippin.com

The (People's) Ultimate "Signing Statement"
07/04/06

In these days of growing public outcry for prompt impeachment of Bush-Cheney, one wonders how soundly they've been sleeping in their imperial bedrooms.

We can assume that their conscience pangs over poor decision making and over outright deceptive practices have been minimal. But this status quo may be headed for a major paradigm shift. Consider, for example, the recently Internet-circulated "Declaration of Impeachment," coinciding with Independence Day.

This Veterans for Peace's political work of art -- destined to become a textbook example of how a desperate body politic finds it necessary to draw upon ancient history to shame governmental miscreants -- adapts its mood, phraseology, and objective from the content of our nation's Declaration of Independence. See the document's text as announced in the following link published by the public-interest blog http://www.truthout.org .

"FOCUS | David Swanson: On the Fourth, Read the Declaration of Impeachment http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/070206X.shtml Veterans for Peace has drafted a Declaration of Impeachment using nothing but excerpts from the Declaration of Independence (plus a few words in parentheses). Veterans for Peace states, 'It should be read at picnics and protests on the Fourth of July.'"

LWB Note: If critic David Swanson's promotion of this document induces any nightmares in Bush-Cheney's slumber, I hope they're gruesome enough to convince this disastrous duo that the five-year nightmare to which their reign has subjected us, the people, soon will be replaced by the reality of their involuntary departure from public office.

larryb@jerrypippin.com

"Callin' Damage Control, Callin' Damage Control !. . . "
07/01/06

Shortly after Independence Day 2006, White(wash) House spokesman Tony Schmoe received an urgent call from 'resident Bu$ch's chief of staff: "Listen up, Tony: Karl Trove wants us to meet with him and Dubya this afternoon at 2:00."

SCHMOE: Well, that means I'll have to cancel my appointment with Halliburton's CFO...."

CHIEF: Forget that. We're in the midst of a new constitutional crisis. And don't bring any notepad or tape recorder with you.

Upon entering the Oral Orifice 69 minutes later, Schmoe found the 'resident somberly addressing a coterie of several white males over fifty.

BU$CH: What's this crap about another "constitutional" crisis, Karl? Didn't I tell you guys not to keep jamming the "constitution" in my face -- that it's just a damned piece of paper?!

TROVE: Er . . . sir, it's not the FEDERAL constitution that concerns us this time. It's a state's.

BU$CH: Huh?

TROVE: That's right, Oklahoma's. Seems there's a Democrat cell down there that's decided to take it upon themselves to apply the state constitution's provision for impaneling a county grand jury via a citizens petition.

BU$CH: So . . . ain't that kinda action illegal under our recent "signing statements"?

TROVE: Not yet, sir. So, once the New York Slimes and the Washington Compost get wind of this citizens revolt, we're gonna reap some serious damage.

BU$CH: Whadda ya mean, "revolt"?

TROVE: Well, those cretins, like Jerry Pippin, in Muskogee are a-hankerin' to have the grand jury investigate and report upon any "criminality" on the part of you and Dick Cheezey. And, according to Congress's Jefferson Manual, that report could lead to your and Dick's impeachment.

CHEEZEY: Wait a minute, Karl, leave me outa this. Why do I have to remind you all that Dubya here has to remain the fall guy for any -- um -- "wrongdoing" on our part? Chief, can't we just pay off that Muskogee judge to stall any action on the petition until we're all retired down in Costa Rico?

SCHMOE: Let ME see what I can do on that, Dick. And while we're at it, I wonder how much cash Pippin would take to drop the whole affair. He could plead ill health to his supporters, or we could dig up some kind of embarrassing incident in his past to compel his retreat. Did he pay ALL his income taxes for the last three years?

BU$CH (now grinning): Yeah. Say, do y'all know that PIPPIN spelled backwards is NIPPIP? -- you know: Nip pip! We'll nip him in the bud (and in the butt) ASAP, right Karl?

At this insightful analysis by the 'resident, they all guffawed in unison, coming to an abrupt halt upon a soft knock at the door. It was the 'resident's personal secretary.

SECRETARY: Sir, we've just received word that the port of Muskogee has been hit by a freak storm. It's knocked out all the county's electric power, and it's flooded out numerous businesses and government buildings -- including the district courthouse. Most of the court records there have been damaged beyond repair.

BU$CH: Well, I'll be a turtle on a pole!

http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm

larryb@jerrypippin.com

A Salute to Cyberpetitioneers -- and to All Who Abet Them
06/24/06

Yes, I realize that there's no such word as "cyberpetitioneers -- but there oughta be!

And whoever originated the idea and process for launching public-issue citizens petitions upon the Internet ought to receive our nation's Medal of Freedom. Ben Franklin and the other National Founders would've felt honored to attend the award ceremony; and I know I'd be equally as proud -- for, over the past few years, I've done my share of online petitioning on subjects ranging from nursing-home reform to presidential impeachment.

That latter subject brings me to mention my serendipitous discovery, on June 25, 2006, of a petition posted by one Christine Ogu. (I'd found a link to it upon the web site of http://www.bushstole04.com/lie_of_the_century1.htm .) Its idealistic title -- "Recall President George W. Bush for His Inability to Lead in Times of Crisis" (http://www.petitiononline.com/Recall04/petition.html) -- should surprise no-one familiar with King Dubya's failed corporate leadership.

But it certainly refreshes the resolve of a slightly jaded Bu$ch-expose activist like me to see such grassroots empowerment wending its way across cyberspace. Ogu's poignant litany of Bush's serial self-destructive behavior during the past several years conjures up the image of a little girl's happening upon Santa Claus with his pants down, furtively dipping his big, fat hands into the family cookie jar, not for just a single cookie but for fistful after fistful as he jams them into his coat pockets.

So, I salute you, Ms. Ogu. Thank you for this opportunity to add my signature (No. 636) to your patriotic Petition of Conscience.

And thank you, too, all you public-spirited folks at PetitionOnline.com, for offering this free service to what's left of our republic!

larryb@jerrypippin.com

Proposed Idea for a Special Nightline Show
06/24/06

Producer of "Nightline"
ABC TV
Washington, D.C.

On July 4, 2006, a group of citizens in Muskogee, Okla., will launch a petition drive for impaneling a Presidential Grand Jury Probe aimed at investigating and reporting upon any and all alleged criminality on the part of President Bush and Vice President Cheney. Depending on the jury's findings, conclusions, and recommendations, the ensuing report might lead to Congress's impeachment of these two officials.

You can find details about this historic event posted upon the web site of http://www.bushbusiness.com/impeachment%20news.htm .

In the tradition of Ted Koppel's "town hall" meetings on vital public issues, you might wish to coordinate such a public gathering with the ABC TV affiliate nearest Muskogee -- for the express purpose of analyzing and broadcasting the local community's sentiment and sensibilities about this grassroots movement to achieve full accountability for Bush-Cheney's action/inaction. These public-spirited Muskogeeans' project -- whereby only one other state in the union (New Mexico) can so impanel a county grand jury via a citizens petition -- exemplifies democracy-from-the-trenches in these now-famous words of the late congressional leader Tip O'Neill: "All politics is local."

Thank you for considering this proposal.
LARRY W. BRYANT